Who’s afraid of the green-eyed lobster?

Just a quick prelude to tonight’s dinner. I’m tackling lobster, so on Tuesday I went to the fish shop on my lunch break to order a whole, 100% alive, lobster. The experience went something like this…

Fish-Shop Lady (FSL): Hi, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to enquire about ordering a lobster?

FSL: You mean lobster tails?

Me: No, I mean a whole lobster. Alive.

FSL: Why? Just use lobster tails.

Me: Um, thanks for the suggestion, but I actually want to cook a whole lobster.

FSL: Why? Everybody else just uses lobster tails.


I am struggling with the serious lack of assistance – I mean, come on FSL! – and look around wide-eyed, pleading for help from someone else. I see Fish-Shop Man (FSM).


Me: Help…?

FSM: What is it you’re after?

Me: A lobster. A whole one. Alive.

FSM: You’re sure you don’t want to just use lobster tails?

Me: (starting to get a little antsy now) No, I’m sure I want to cook a whole lobster.

FSM: We can get you a whole COOKED lobster. How about that?

Me: No. I REALLY want a whole, alive lobster. Can’t you just order that for me from the markets?

FSM: Well yeah we can, but it’ll be expensive. And you’ll have to kill it yourself.

Me: (in my head I’m thinking, no sh*t Sherlock! But outwardly I push on…) That’s OK, I’ve got money to spend here (I’ve always wanted to say that – it’s so Pretty Woman!) and I’ve also got a recipe that tells me how to kill the lobster, so I’m all good. Can you order it for me?

FSM: Let me call my guy.


And so I wait, while he calls his “guy”.


FSM: (off the phone) Yep, he can you get you one. You’re sure you want it alive?

Me: Yep, alive. (Oh. My. God. Get the message.) I know you can kill them in the freezer…

FSM: Yeah, that’s the best way…

Me: But the recipe says to use a knife and stab it through the neck in one fell swoop.

FSM: I wouldn’t do that if I was you. You’ll lose all your fingers.

Me: Why, coz I’ll cut them off with my sharp knife or coz the lobster will snip them off with his claws.

FSM: The lobster’ll do it to you. They’re nasty buggers.

Me: OK, maybe I’ll go the freezer option then. Good tip.

FSM: I can pop him in the freezer for you an hour before you come to pick him up if you like. Make him a bit dopey for the bus trip home.

Me: Thanks! That’d be great. So I’m guessing this is a pretty random request – a whole lobster?

FSM: Yeah, most people just opt for the tails and if they do want a whole one, they tend to get it cooked already, so y’know, it’s dead.

Me: Got it. But what about the flavour. I mean, don’t they want to add their own flavours and stuff?

FSM: Well, I mean obviously yours will be a lot tastier.

Me: Thanks!

FSM: What are you planning to do with it anyway?

Me: It’ll have honey, chilli, coriander – that sort of thing.

FSM: Yum, sounds great. If I throw in another lobster for free, can I come for dinner too?

Me: Um…


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